roadlizardhot

Might as well keep it up.
Now that it is 2009....

Let's sum up 2008, shall we?

January
Got a job at Chili's, hostessing
Continued working as a Sunday school teacher for this cute little Korean church in Cary

February
More of the same

March
Sort of give up on the idea of getting a real job. Decide that I like the restaurant scene

April
Woah. Little sister's pregnant. 7 months.

May
Spend most of it in Texas.
Becca (my BFFE) has her baby on the 28th.

June
Come back, move home. Spend every waking day and night not working at the pool. Start dating a 39 year old. I remember this: there were three firsts...1. Kissed a girl 2.Skinny-dipped 3.Dated someone who could more or less be classified as freakin' oooooolld. Damn.

July
Kept dating the damn bastard.

August
Started dating a new bastard: this time he was a Nascar race watching red-neck who had his teeth knocked out at some point in life. Okay so they weren't actually knocked out of his head, but they were discolored at the top because they were about to. I mean how much more redneck can you get from Nascar, deer hunting in your own backyard and not having any front teeth?
It's funny. Laugh. (No I can't...it's not funny yet and plus he was cute how could I have been so wrong...)
Also start teaching preschool

September
Start serving

October
Turn 23 in Asheville
Quit said preschool job

November
Start sleeping all day, making a waste of my life
Thanksgiving: meet my baby neice for the first time.... oh, love...
Lesley is my new BFF

December
Christmas. Blah. Santa brought me a camera though!

Jan.
It's a sitch. I wanna move back to Asheville before the fan gets turned on again and the shit that's already hit it starts flying around everywhere and smacking bits of biological waste in people's faces.

It's really weird reading back over my old entries....I was so stressed out and angry!

So I went to Asheville this weekend, and I visited all my friends and it was awesome and wonderful and now I really want to move back. Before I was like, yeah but not right now but now I'm like, yes, again, I'm ready! I always have wanted to live in Asheville again, but this time I think I might actually do it, like in the fall. I really love my house and my room-mate is by far the best one I have ever had and one of my best friends now so I just don't know. She also might be living in NY at that point I think, so it's all up in the air. I know that we will always be friends though, and whatever happens, we have lots of adventures left to go on together. My dream plan is to sneakily convince Elise to come to Asheville with me and live in a house with me and two other room-mates.

I can't believe that it's going to be a year now that I will have been a graduate of college this May. It's surreal.

I am so glad that I don't work in an office anymore. I am quitting my part-time desk job so I am just going to be hostessing and babysitting and teaching Sunday school.

I would also like to mention that it has been 11 days now since I've smoked. (The reason for this is because I saw a man at the restaurant where I work the other day breathing out of a hole in his neck. I'm not saying I quit because I think it can be counter-productive, but I have a new-found distaste for them now.)

Oh, funny story about this weekend. And no, it doesn't involve puking and drinking. Although I did that, too. We went to this Asian buffet place in Asheville and I was sitting there with my two friends (a guy and a girl) and I noticed this guy was looking at me a few times and then, as he was walking out, he came by our table, and handed me a fortune with his number on the back.

Mark my words: I will never cry over a boy ever. Unless for some reason I fall in love with one someday and he falls in love with me and then he dies. Then I might shed a tear or two, but only then.
Anytime some punk ass motherfucker has the indecency to not call ME back, I will go ahead and take the liberty of leaving a piece of mind over their voicemail, or private property, what have you. God gave me a bad temper for a reason, and I'm told that you shouldn't neglect God's gifts.

Today I'm going to be singing a Spanish opera song in my voice class, and I am going to be so proud of myself if I manage to remember all the words when I actually sing it. Last time I did a performance and the class did the review, several people said, I loved your confidence and I took that to be a really nice compliment because even if I didn't sing well, confidence has been a tricky issue for me, I don't know why. Not to sound conceited, but I have every reason to be self-confident. I've never felt this positive in my life.
I don't have hardly any money in my bank account, I'm in debt and out of work, the school work, wow, let's not even go there, but I just feel like so fucking positive about this mess of my life. Because the thing is, I know, without a doubt, that I am capable of handling any shit that comes my way, because I always got through somehow in the past, didn't I? Yes. I did. I am aware of my surroundings, I have a few life experiences under my belt, and I know that I am prepared to handle whatever task presents itself to me.
With fewer and fewer glitches each time around.

Last night I didn't really know what to do with myself because my computer for some reason is being a loser and won't work (I'm in the comp lab right now) and I'd already 1) practiced my song about a million jillion times and 2) decided that the Spanish essay that was a day late already was definitively NOT going to happen in my current state and yet I just couldn't go to bed. So I dug out this old book I got a few years ago and never read, one of those be successful in life type deals and I found this one neat idea from it. I love that inspiration can come from anywhere, like random self-help books that are 2 years old and stuck in the back of your closet.

Anyway, the idea was that instead of just writing down or thinking about these abstract goals you have in life, that seem unlikely to ever come to fruition (I love that word, fruition) you write down or think first about your "vision" such as "I want to become a volunteer firefighter" and then you write down the goals that will help you see that go into effect, like "research firefighting classes, talk to a firefighter, get a book about firefighting" etc. etc.

Just FYI, though, I don't think Firefighting as a profession is really what I want. What I want is to to be strong, bad-ass and fucking hot, and I don't believe that I have to be a firefighter to do so.

The End for now. Gotta go sing!!!!!!!!

Charlotte was fun, for the most part. I met the boy, he's not really my type though. Especially because he was sort of joking about how his parents literally give him a 'salary' and he was said it was the best job he could ever have. (barf)
I mean he's 25 years old, living at home. I would not be joking about that.
I figured out recently that the reason I'm so anti-dating right now is because I haven't really had the chance to prove to myself that I can really take care of myself on my own. I guess I figure once I graduate and apply for this student loan and do all this shit on my own, then I can take a risk of not being so self-sufficient.
There are some really hot guys in Charlotte. I felt kind of bad for flirting with other people around Chris, I don't know why. But whatever, it's not like I'm fucking territory, and I make no promises, my friend.
I guess I could see myself living there though. I mean there's no way I can be a recluse which is good. I think I'm getting over my reclusive stage in life.
I've been thinking about how maybe this summer if I re-file my court case for the accident I was in last summer, and get some money back from that (crossing fingers) then maybe I can trade the Saturn in for a truck!
I'm going to counselling now. TTFN

Yesterday I was like a machine. I managed to make it to all of my classes, starting at 8am until 12:15, then after a brief unproductive hour of eating lunch and reading this trashy chick lit book I got from the lady whose kid I babysit 2x a week now, I went back to school, scoured the internet catalogue for articles on the Education System in Cuba (blech!) and then met my [intense] teacher about the Capstone Senior Project due so I can get my Spanish degree in May. Ay, ay, ay.

After I met with her I felt even more incompetent than I already do whenever I even think about Cuba. I'm sorry I ever complained about Weldon, God, really I am. It wouldn't be so bad if I were fucking fluent in Spanish and could understand complex, ideological, academic babble that is every single required reading for this course! Anyway, this research is looking to be a little nightmarish--I have to request all these rare short stories that have something to do with the education system in Cuba (apparently) from all over the country. And this project is due in mid April? (Yeah, that's what I said...HUH??!)

On to the machine part. So after meeting with her and being hounded that I MUST order these books HOY EN DIA, MUCHACHA, I went to get my cap&gown which truly felt just, I don't know, more than a little jumping the gun considering my baccaluerate degree hinges upon this capstone project, pretty much.

And after that, I took myself on a loooong walk and I was so happy because it was still light outside, at 5:30 with no sign of getting darker for another 2ish hours and I was belting out this song and I was just at this part that goes really really high, just walking along in the neighborhood, and this woman pops up out of nowhere, from trimming the little trees in her yard. I said Hi and just kept walking, humming now so she wouldn't think I cared that she heard me singing. It's definitely NOT everyday that I sing around people and the idea that someone heard me without my intending them to just really disturbed me. I wonder why it is that I'm like that. So secretive and private about everything. It makes me feel like I have to be defensive because whatever I must be trying to keep a secret is wrong. Such a backward cycle. This is pretty much the theme of almost every counselling session I go to.

Oh yeah, so after walking for an hour, I go back home, make a workout mix on my computer, and then I go to the gym and that workout mix must have been really good because I have never worked out that hard in the gym in my life. And no I will not reveal what is on it because it is mostly top 40 crap but it gets the job done.

And then I got home and read more trash literature instead of doing the imperative. Ordering those books, doing homework for Voice class and Portuguese. Well there had to be some unproductiveness in my day. I can only do so much.

Well anyway onto the things that matter. I've been thinking lately about the idea of becoming a volunteer firefighter. I remember when I was little and I used to tell people that's what I wanted to be when I grew up. Either that or a librarian. Actually most of my motivation comes from the fact that I don't like how I'm kind of existing in a little cookie cutter still. The cookie cutter that my parents, society, America, etc. set me up with. I mean how typical and 19th century is it that I'm going to be a teacher? Isn't that like the only profession that women could pursue since the time women first began to work outside the home. I mean, really still when I think about it, I love the idea of teaching. I love taking care of people and helping people and languages and all that jazz, but if I were a guy, honestly, do you think that is what I would be doing? No. I would probably either work in construction or be a firefighter. I was thinking one day about how if I couldn't be a firefighter, then at least I am going to marry one. And as soon as that thought resonated, I hated myself for thinking it. UGH. I will never, NEVER marry someone for the purpose of living vicariously through their choice of profession. If I have to get married, it will be for the babies, let me just tell you. And anyway, how in hell would I even meet a firefighter unless I became one?

And that's where fate or whatever comes in. So I'm expounding on this little pipe dream of mine with Becca and her boyfriend in WaffleHouse and said boy says: My friend Chris, he's a fireman. And this weekend is his birthday, and I forgot about it! So he leaves him a message saying he has a present for him and then sends a picture of me with his camera phone. Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into? Anyway, then Becca gives me his number and says that he wants me to call him, so I do, and he's actually from Charlotte, where I think I want to get my teaching license from (UNCC) and he wants to know if I can come into town for a St. Patrick's day festival thing this weekend.

Well it might be fun. And as dead set against dating as I am right now, he'd probably make a good friend. At least someone to know when I go to Charlotte.

So yeah, that's where I might be this weekend. In case you don't hear from me soon, you should call or something. Or send someone to Charlotte looking for me.

Also I forgot to mention that I almost died recently. I was going 85 mph, maybe 90 in the fast lane on 40 with a 18 wheeler behind me and the car stalled! It was so weird, I thought that my speedometer just randomly broke or something, but then I realized no, my car is slowing down!! So I was able to sneak over to the other lane and onto the shoulder and then just restart the car but it scared the shit out of me. Side of the road, on the interstate, at 10pm. If my car had just up and died, that probably would have been the last you'd heard from me. Scary. And the scariest part is, seriously, I could be dead for like a week and nobody would suspect anything just because I talk to my parents like 1x a month and only to say that I'm on my way home (literally) and I don't really talk to anybody else on the phone on a regular basis at all. Just if someone happens to call me and then there's a very good chance that my phone isn't charged or I don't hear it ring so yeah, my corpse could be in the decomposing stage before anyone was the wiser. Very CSI. I think about stuff like this alllll the time. And also recently, I've become obsessed with cancer research, particularly environmental and dietary factors that promote mitotic division in cells. (Someone's been paying vewy, vewy, good attention in her biowogy cwass!) I'll get to that later though.

-Met some new friends
-Went camping in below 50 degree weather
-Found out new car's gears don't like to shift when its wet or cold outside...(hello? this is Asheville!)
-Met up with an old friend from App
-Registered for a whopping 8 hours next semester
-Asked out by 2 different guys (I guess its true what they say...the more content you are being single, the more it will elude you...or in my case: the minute you decide you'd rather watch the evangelical channel on TV for 4 straight hours than deal with the prospect of dating...the minute it sneaks up on you and bites you in the icy black abyss where a heart would be if you weren't such a cruel conniving bitchwhore!)
-Okay so that was a tad melodramatic. I can't help it if I'm just 'not that into you', though okay? I just wish that you would trot along on your horny little way rather than attempt to make me feel like some deranged feminazi just because I'm not going along for the ride. I realize that it's just in my head. But so's everything. (and he didn't get it...)
-Oh but really. My Spanish professor, Gant, for some reason is convinced that I'm the quintessential Alanis Morissette (as in heartbroken, cynical, man-hating, etc) of our era and how convenient it is that I am enrolled in his Spanish Civilization and Literature course of the 1900's (how my perspective should shed any light on the history of all of latin america is beyond me but the man admits to watching Oprah and General Hospital on a daily basis and so he can pretty much relate anything to men, women and relationships) and I'm getting a little tired of trying to repeat my case: It's not that I hate men. I just don't give a flip about them.
-My job, in the words of Heather, 'can go suck a dick off'. So I had this horrible virus that stripped me of all stomach content for the past several days probably and I called in sick to work, but unfortunately, for the first time since I acquired the job, I also dared to ask off for a shift 3 days before I was scheduled to work it this week and so they didn't believe my sick plea and seeing as it is today Sunday, and I am now scheduled to work not Monday...not Tuesday...not Wednesday, Thursday or Friday but Saturday...something tells me they're a little miffed at my temporary MIA status and decided to get back at me by shortchanging me oh...probably 75% of the hours I need! Damn you corporate nazis.
-But next week's thanksgiving thank god and I hope that means seeing lots of old friends, trying not to be guilt-tripped by the family by going out with said friends anytime I get the chance rather than spending every waking hour in the confines of my home like a vassal, sleeping a lot, and of course, shunning all responsiblity.

It might be too soon to say, but...
I'm graduating in May.

I've spent alot of time lately thinking about whether I want to continue in getting K-12 teaching licensure, or graduate after just getting my bachelor's (in Spanish) then travelling, and maybe teaching anyway, English...in a different country. Plus, I want to start living on my own already, even if it's from one paycheck to the next and I have to start eating just breakfast cereal and canned soup, buying that ridiculous car insurance that's basically just a legal document saying you're covered so you don't get a ticket when stopped, and buying all my furniture from the Habitat donation place. As you can see, I've spent some time thinking about the ramifications of poverty. That was sort of a joke.

And then there's the fact that I'm not sure I really want to be a teacher unless its in my preferred setting, that is, in a small classroom of my own, with none of the pressures of standardized testing bullshit, getting paid to do what I can actually see myself enjoying, teaching something with way more purpose than high school Spanish...etc. etc.

It makes a lot more sense to get a bachelor's degree and then go back and get a Masters in Teaching English as a Second Language, rather than spend only god knows how long pursuing the k-12 thing since stupid UNCA is not offering 3 of the goshdarn classes I need next semester anyway.

I kind of can't wait to just graduate and not have a job that I bring home with my every single night, at least for a little while. You know what that means...working somewhere (preferably not in an office, but I'll take what I can get) that I get paid hourly, pick up a paycheck at the end of the week, pay my bills and call it life...rather than constantly worrying about how the next day is going to turn out, what's riding on my shoulders, and all of that.

I have got to learn, at some point in the very near future, how to drown out the voice that says, but my dad will never approve. I don't see why the hell not, and anyway who asked you. Shut up.

I was going to write some other stuff, but I'll have to get to that later, because now its time for Humanities lecture, and today its on Contemporary Film, which could very well be interesting. (My attempt to prove to myself, that yes, I do, have a choice of whether I'm going or not, it just so happens that in addition to not risking my letter grade, I sort of maybe want to go anyway. Besides I have several lists and poems to write also.)

The Good
-I love living in this apartment :D
-I love having a place to clean and organize and rearrange
-I love grocery shopping
-I love my roomie
-Back in Asheville
-We have a deck! and a washer/dryer! and a dishwasher! (though it leaks right now, hehe)
-My birthday is in a few weeks! And I'll be legal! :)
-I'm taking weight training with Heather...and Heather's back!
-I don't have to take Math with Sulock, or Science or Social Studies....etc. etc.
-My car is great
-My mommy is healthy
-More hours at FBC which = more $

The Bad
-Gotta look for another job
-School. Blah.
-Keep spending money that I don't have
-Started smoking again
-The black stuff in the stove will not get all out! And I have taken it apart and scrubbed it twice. I'm such a cleaning nerd.
-The a/c is broke
-I don't feel good today
-My closet is a wreck
-No clothes to wear...the story of my life

The Ugly
-Kitty cat in heaven now. :( I miss my Frankie so much
-I really don't know what to do with myself: Should I drop education? Should I try to do everything I can to get my license? Should I let my dad in on the truth? Do I do anything authentic or without reason? Or do I make too many decisions without thinking it all out clearly? Have I forgotten what I used to know...how did life get this hard...or rather, how did dealing with it get so complicated.
-Ay...soy una gordita.

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
Just stand still, look pretty

-The Wreckers



At the risk of sounding like an over-priveleged member of upper-middle class background with a wealth of resentment in my spirit and an increasingly pathetic sense of self-absorbency...here I go.

So yeah, life just kicked me in the ass.

This year sucks balls. All it has going for it, is that I didn't wind up pregnant, dead or diseased. Okay I know it could be so much worse, but excuse me while I wallow in it.

I won't even go into all the other shit that's happened to me in the past year, but the latest development, is that it looks like I'll be graduating on time after all. Now, you ask, how could that be so bad? Oh maybe since I've spent my entire existence as a college student, straight out of high school, trying to get teaching licensure, since that's pretty much been the only thing I thought I'd be happy doing in life. Oh silly me. Who was I to think that I could ride the little exception train into the land of the 5 year college degree? I've got so many student loans behind me at this point, I could scuba dive in the pool of debt I'm accruing. So how could I have been mistaken, as lucky as I was to leave the house and go to college, that I could get a degree and a license to teach? My dad informed me recently that he was not in the position to stand as co-signer for my loans post December of 2007, when he had originally anticipated my graduation. He flat out said, Nope. Can't do it. This was a mere week ago, when we were literally moving furniture into the Uhaul, to move back to Asheville.

So for the past week, I've been trying to find a way to get k-12 instead, which actually would take fewer classes than k-6 and I could finish a semester sooner. Unfortunately, one of the classes that's a prerequisite for another one, is not offered this semester. So I frantically contacted three different people and beggd, pleaded and cajoled back and forth via email banter for 3 days until I got the much-awaited answer. One class, one class consisting of a single stinking credit hour, and the professor who usually teaches it, held all power over whether I would be able to graduate with a license to teach or not. "I'm afraid I can't offer EDUC 316 in fall semester because I already have a full plate with my teaching and research responsibilities."

At least I can look back and say I tried. I'll go back to school when the swimming pool reaches a more shallow level, assuming teaching is what I still want to do in a few years. Til then, I'll have to figure something else out. A simple turn of events, and all of a sudden, I'm back in the rat race...I have no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate. Seriously, hightailing it out of this place never looked better.

Today I am not at work because I am sick.

Sick of working in an office.
Sick of not getting to stay at home and clean or be lazy.
Sick of driving a shitty ass leaky car with no AC to work when it's so humid outside it feels like dragon breath..
Sick of living here and dealing with him. Sick of me, and how things bother me so.

My mom's also here today which isn't the ideal, only because I'd like to have the house all to myself, but I couldn't help it, today I just cannot be in that stupid office--yuck. Maybe I'll go to the pool with my sick self. I just told my mom I threw up last night--this way it makes up for how bitchy I was last night. When my dad took me home (My car is being stupid and won't start b/c the key is too old) as soon as he pulled up at the house, I went upstairs, jumped in the bed with all my clothes on and only got up to go see Brittany but she wasn't home so I went back to my room and ignored my mom when she called me down for dinner. I think she thought I was dead because she never comes all the way in and shakes me, and I was being really still just for fun. Yes, that's sort of mean, but you know what: I don't care.

I don't know what the hell I just wrote all this for.

So I figured out that when I put my seat up and wrap the windshield cover-upper around it, the driver's seat doesn't get as wet. Sure, water still streams in through both windows, but at least my ass isn't soaked as soon as I sit down.

Yesterday I walked/jogged through my neighborhood after work. It was hot, and I was really tired but I liked it anyway.

I made a schedule for myself of all the things I can occupy dead time with at work, and I must say, I'm going to be getting a lot done, even if it is tedious and slightly pointless.

I had another dream last night about the nanny family...I had one another night too, about how I went back to live with them for some reason...and now this one last night. It's strange because I don't usually have recurring dreams like this. No one understands how much that whole experience really upsets me--even still. It really bothers me that first of all, I didn't stand up for myself nearly as much as I should have now that I know she was just crazy and anal and it really wasn't my incompetence that drove me away. And it just bothers me that they treated me the way they did. I wish I could stop thinking about it altogether, but negative memories have a way of sticking with me forever, no matter how much conscious effort I put into dispelling them.

And I hate how dreams put a damper on your mood the next day. They're just dreams, damnit.

I have to go to downtown raleigh and file the stupid small claims case, soon. Apparently it costs $80 just to do that, but I guess that's nothing compared to $4500.

I know I owe about a million friends a phone call right now. Sorry guys, I've been totally lazy lately, it's not that I don't love you.

I love rain though. Today is the best rainy day. Even if it does make the whole driving experience less than pleasurable. :)

I look into the mirror
and I see someone there I used to know
They all want you to serve them
But the only one you got to serve
is your soul

-ben harper

"People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abe Lincoln.

Yep, yep!

Yesterday was Katie-koota's birthday and we went out to dinner at the clubhouse, then my mother STILL had not gotten her a present (my entire family procrastinates like this and it makes me anal) so then we dropped her and my dad off and went in search of gifts to bestow. I had already gotten her this Betty Crocker kid's cookbook she wanted, she loves to cook, and a book and a tank top from Old Navy. It's so blissful shopping for her...I get to live vicariously and pretend I'm a little tan gazelle with nothing but muscle and bone on my frame and wear things like tank tops and spaghetti straps that I really wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise. Then we came home and ate cake and opened presents and she loved em all.

Both my sisters are leaving on Friday for Texas where they'll be for three weeks and instead of moping about how I don't get to be there (because even I know that after 1 week I'd be freaking out about not working/filing the court case/packing up) so I'm actually really looking forward to being an only child again. Heh. I'm going to clean house (which is something I actually like to do. actually I don't just like it, I attain ZEN when I clean, no joke.) and I get to sleep with Frankie every night (katie always hogs him) and go to the pool by myself and walk by myself...and I'm gonna like it. The End.

Oh yes. And listen here. If you are in Raleigh/Cary and are so obliged, I would love to have company to go with me to Fiona Apple's concert August 6th, Sunday night at 7pm. I am so excited because this will be the FIRST concert I've ever been to that wasn't free or I went just to go. For real, Fiona Apple is taking my been-to-a-concert-and-paid-for-it-because-I-wanted-to virginity. Oh yeah, and it's at Regency where I used to live in Cary. Yay, I loooove that ampitheatre. Funstuff.

At lunch we had a conversation about how E., this girl at work, is on myspace entirely too often...and now I'm all paranoid that my blogging is going to be seen as out of hand as well, La (my office mate) already knows I blog on here...but I can't anymore, not after that conversation today.

So I have to save all my thoughts til the end of the day. Sort of aggravating. Like constipation. (You can't go #2 at the office either because the bathroom echoes and it's in the front.) Haha. Alright I'm done with that subject, stop gagging, you dork. You know you love to poo.


I'm reading a book called, "Seven Tools to Beat Addiction". And a book called, "Daughters Keeper".
Excellent, thus far.


The bitch I hate at work is gone this week, back to Chicago for a week. I did a happy dance in the hallway and then told La that I wish she was never coming back and La was like, Oh that's horrible, but it's so true. I was going to say something else hateful, but that goes against my fantasy of being a classy southern belle and only partly a bitch (kind of like Scarlett O'Hara, only not as naiive)Oh I wish I was watching Gone with the Wind right now...

Alright, I'll admit it. I caved and made another myspace account. Ugh. I still think it's stupid, but I wanted to be able to spy on people and you can't do that on facebook unless you go to their school (fat chance, since I go to UNC-A)

Oy. I'm so scared about money next semester and if I'll have time to get another job and whether I'll have a car soon, and get up to Asheville with all my crap and how the court case is going to work out and that I think I'll stab myself in the gut with a spoon if I maintain this weight another week......

My sisters are going to Texas without me next week :sob: but we're going there for Christmas hopefully just like old times....I love texas so much..trampolines and peach trees and sprinkler dancing and tire swinging and nick at nite and cousins and family picnics and ohh. sniff. So sad I don't get to go. I have to work and make money like a grown up.

Ew. Dr. 90210 is grossing me out. More so than usual. Three words: Buried Penis condition. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I cannot. *CLICK!*

Oh my good grief. How lucky am I!!!! NIP/TUCK! LOVES IT! (fascinated by plastic surgery? Just a little)

I'm babysitting a.k.a getting paid to watch TV, post on live journal and drink all of Stacey's diet coke. Oh by the way, Stacey's g/f is gorgeous. She's tall, brunette and really delicate looking with high cheekbones and precisely plucked eyebrows (I'm a sucker for well groomed eyebrows), she doesn't look like she wears makeup but her skin is like, Shirley Manson perfection. Mmm, Shirley Manson. I am infatuated with Shirley Manson. Love. her.

If I were a lesbian, I'd be a 'lipstick lesbian' (It's a real term, it's even on wikipedia FYI). I remember in high school, my friend David in Spanish class predicted that if Brittany and I were lesbians, I'd be the bitch. Well, I'm definitely a bitch, but a decidedly straight bitch (except in the case of Shirley Manson because she's my celebrity guilty fuck).

Today at Old Navy, this car in the parking lot, driven by some punk teen in his stereotypical honda something or other, nearly ran me over while on the cell phone. His window was also conveniently open so I told him to 'Learn to drive, dipshit' and then realized that I was in Cary, not New York, and felt, um, kind of out of place. But whatever. I guess you can have Pedestrian Rage too.

I think there should be little hot pink rubber bracelets that read 'W.W.J.D.D?' which stands for, What would Janice Dickinson do?

Would she...

Eat a twinkie? Nooo.

Would she...

feast on cigarettes and merlot instead? Mayhaps.

Would she....

parade around in high heels and miniskirts 24/7, put nice little teeny boppers in their places and look fabulous doing it?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

What's not to love?

I have REM behavioral disorder. It sounds cool, so I think I'll keep it. Actually, I was just reading this article I found on some dream website, because I was trying to figure out what it 'meant' when you have a color dream, for instance, one in which everything is yellow like I often have. But I don't really trust those things anyway because I think what goes on in your brain is all relative to your experience with the world and all that. But it was something to pass the time...between filing construction logs, faxing shit, and well, more construction logs. So I found this Q/A thing where this woman wrote in about all her sleep symptoms, which describe my own nocturnal behavior down to very last detail, including waking up others with blood curdling screams, having loud conversations or saying strange and random things, getting up and walking around or doing things that make absolutely no logical sense. With most people, their brains inhibit motor and muscular and sometimes even vocal functions so you physically can't do those kinds of things while sleeping; but in my case, I can do whatever the hell I want to, whether I'm conscious of it or not, apparently. And basically, after the doctor named her condition, he said, there's pretty much nothing you can do about it, unless you want to go under rigorous sleep lab testing and there would be no point to that unless you find yourself walking out of windows on the second story of your house or injuring yourself repeatedly. Wonderful! I think after I land face first on my patio after crawling out onto the roof, I'll consider looking into this...

*cue Alanis Morrissette's 'Isn't it Ironic'*

Kind of like how the crap junk car I've had to deal with for 3 years is still running, and yet 3 months into finally getting a new car, it gets completely totaled. I've never had so much as a speeding ticket and I manage to get it smashed to pieces, by a deaf man driving a chevy silverado who has 7 driver's license infractions and 8 visual obstructions on his license. Gee! It's just my lucky year!

In fact, I am really lucky...and I realize this. At least I have a car. At least my mom is still not only alive after finding out she had breast cancer in February, but after surgery, she's perfectly fine and healthy. At least my cat had a seizure today and is suffering from arthritis, but he's still with us... At least I haven't had the best track record (to say the least) with relationships thus far, but I'm not so completely jaded that I've lost all hope. I am extremely lucky. And anytime I find myself getting caught up in the complications, I can't help but realize that it could be profoundly worse.

currently drinking: diet cherry vanilla coke

"Self," I say to myself: "You are a whore. A Live Journal whore."

By my calculations, I only have 25 more pounds to lose. As opposed to the 44 I started out with this year. Which means, yes, I've lost 19 pounds so far.
*gloat* Last night my family was watching this show on TLC about a woman who was severely anorexic (while I was eating pound cake and strawberries, mind you) and my dad looks over at me and says, "Yep, that's gonna be Caley, here in a few months." HA! Yeah right. But thanks, because I consider resembling an emaciated corpse an odd sort of compliment, in a twisted way.

I'm getting my nails done today and I HAVE A DATE WITH A HOTTIE! ;) I am soooo excited. And at Macaroni Grill too. Mmmmm.

So, as if calling almost every single person in my cell phone weren't bad enough, last night I got out my middle school yearbook from Michigan and looked people up on Facebook. I still can't find my old friends from Elementary school in Maryland though and it makes me really sad. But I did find Zach, this guy I adored in 8th grade, and he's still a hottie and I told him so on his wall, since we're facebook friends now. Haha.
Then I had a dream that my old best friend Nikki from MD added me as a friend and the only reason I couldn't find her was because she listed her name as something really strange...which really you can only do on MySpace but MySpace is stupid anyway.

Okay, it's 'feelings' time:
I feel really disconnected from my dad right now. Well, all summer really. And yet, I live with him, I work at his office...but I couldn't feel farther away. I guess I've been subtly trying to reach out to him in little kid ways, kind of. Like offering him my oatmeal cookies, talking to him about what happened at work, patting his shoulder when I go to bed or walk by him. I mean really, you'd think he were Santa Claus or something. Remember the part in Amelie, where she's sitting on the table, while her father (who is a doctor) is checking her heart rate? I've always related to that part because I feel exactly like that little girl...I can't even act normal around him because I'm just so...what is the word for this...whatever. I can't explain it.

That's as far as I get with feeling stuff anyway.

Oh yeah, and I'm babysitting on Friday for a lady at work. Her son is 2 now, I think but I remember when she was pregnant with him, when I first started working here. She's gay and she had him by artificial insemination a while ago. She's a single mom and that makes her instantly awesome to me. I can so see myself being a single mom someday. Sometimes it makes me sad, but I know that I could handle it, too. I have so little faith in relationships and marriage these days, because I don't think that people try hard enough to make things work. Once you get the idea in your head that you can do better, it's like there's no turning back. And that is not what marriage stands for. You have to grow up and move forward together...and sadly I just don't know that anyone else exists who will always have that same feeling.

Well I have to stop writing and just update already because it's getting old minimizing the damn screen everytime someone walks by. Heh...

Hasta la vista.

only it really is like the kind of dream where you show up to work without shoes. Yes, that's right. It's better than no clothes though, right? Thankfully, my dad works here, so I called home and asked for him to bring me some. Oh I cannot believe this. How do I expect to live out in the country by myself if I can't even remember to leave my gosh darn shoes in the car because I like to drive barefoot. Ridiculous.

Oh but I did oversleep for an hour today, managed to take a shower and get ready in 35 minutes which is remarkable, really, because you have to light a fire under my ass if you want me to do ANYTHING in the morning, usually. And even though I had to follow this moron to work who drove 35 MPH WHEN IT WAS A FREAKING 45 ZONE I listened to Nickelcreek so I was oddly calm during the ordeal and still managed to make it to work before 8:05.

Sad: My friend Krista's cousin was killed by a train yesterday, and not only does she have to be the one to tell her grandmother about it, (she's the only one in NC, her family lives in SC) but her grandmother's doctor is going to call and tell her the verdict, that she has lung cancer. I feel so bad for her.

Well, then! It's only 9:38 and already it's been an interesting morning. Hopefully it will turn out to be more happy-interesting instead of saddish-interesting.

Expect an update later, because I WILL be updating and I DO want an oatmeal raisin cookie right now. MMMMMM.

Update:
I got my shoes. (Thanks Katrina!)
I got my cookies. (Thanks Emily!)
I am taken care of. (Thanks God/Allah/Angels/Etc.)

Wise words:
"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit."
-Emmanuel Teney

I'm trying to convince myself of this. It's hardly working, but the point is, I'm trying.

Today when I [drove to work], I felt [annoyed] because [I have to share the road with such idiots all the time].

Today when I [was at work], I felt [lost and forsaken] because [my best buddy Krista had to go to OSHA training all day so I didn't get to listen to her latest hypochondriac paranoia or shop with her at Target and talk about stuff].

Today when [Kelly called me], I felt [exuberated] because [I was actually just wondering whether or not she was back yet, and she was and my phone was actually charged so I got to talk to her!!!!!]. I love my Kelly.

Today when I [got home from work] I felt [energized and hyper] because [well I don't know why but I cleaned my car out, cleaned the kitchen, my bathroom and room and then called every single local friend I knew to talk to including my old friend Mike from App who I haven't seen since freshman year].

Today when I [go to sleep] I [will] feel [content].


Other updates:
I discovered last night that I really like baby food bananas. They taste like pureed utopia.
Bbop made me and Nyssa key lime pie ice cream and if I were a little sarcastic snot of a cartoon baby with a british accent, I might have referred to it as an orgasm in my mouth. That good. It even had graham cracker in it.
We watched a show about a soccor mom who deals weed to rich little teen snots.
I got my hair colored yesterday and I loves it.
I think I might be developing carpal tunnel.
My dad still hasn't noticed my hair. I'm still talking about my hair even though I changed its color, oh, over 6 months ago. Wow. This journal makes me realize what a broken record I can be sometimes...Oh well.